1. Planet Of The Apes (2001) - Dir. Tim Burton

Summer is clearly the most dangerous season for an acclaimed director. Burton’s characteristically beautiful costumes and set design remain, but all the style in the world couldn’t save this remarkably unnecessary remake—seemingly written by a studio hack who first identified the original film’s strengths and then thought hard about creative ways to make them much, much worse. In addition, I will gladly offer $30 to anyone who can cogently explain this film’s ending. Emphasis on “cogently.”

—Bram A. Strochlic is the incoming Movies Editor. His Bar Mitzvah was movie-themed.

TOP FIVE WAYS WE IMAGINE THE WORLD MIGHT END

5. Invasion from Space.

Bad News: These aliens might not be looking for Reece’s Pieces.

Good News: With the exception of Scientologists, there aren’t a whole lot of people who think this will actually happen.

4. The Mayan Apocalypse in 2012

Bad News: Although current seniors, juniors, and sophomores will manage to graduate before the end of the world, the class of 2013 is going to miss out. Sorry, freshmen, but at least you don’t have to worry about post-grad plans.

Good News: According to our best estimates, John Cusack and Amanda Peet might survive.

3. Global Pandemic

Bad News: Who knows which epidemic will catch us first? Swine Flu? Avian Flu? Does anyone remember SARS?

Good News: At least Professor Nicholas Christakis will get a chance to finish studying the relationship between social networks and the spread of contagious diseases. For a while, at least.

2. Zombie Apocalypse

Bad News: According to “28 Days Later,” a global pandemic and a zombie apocalypse are not mutually exclusive.