Who knew that milk was so scandalous! Once considered the trustiest of drinks (except to the 90% of the Asian population that is lactose intolerant; sorry kids), suddenly milk has become scrutinized, controversial, even-gasp-dangerous! It all seems like backlash to those ubiquitous "Got Milk?" ads that tell us so bluntly that if we don't drink milk, then we can't have iron pecs like Mark Maguire or shoulders like Serena Williams (read the fine print at the bottom: "Milk is part of a complete, healthy breakfast. Including steroid supplements.") Let's see what spawned all the Moloko Madness.

It all began last month when ultra-vegetarian Alicia Silverstone demanded an end to the "Got Milk?" campaign since it advertises "poison." Don't you love it when out-of-work actresses do their own scientific research? Isn't that just peachy? Silverstone's egomania came shining through in a letter she angrily wrote to the Federal Trade Commission: "I recently stopped consuming dairy products, in part because of all the information I learned about the harmful effects of cow's milk on human health." First of all, who cares if Alicia stops consuming dairy products? Actually, it's probably a good thing since it will increase the supply of milk available to the anorexic actress set. (There's the Ec 10 again-supply of milk for Alicia goes down, supply for Courtney Cox and Calista Flockhart goes up.) Second, I worry deeply about the mental health of the Federal Trade Commission. Not only do they have to deal with Senator John S. McCain's attempts to censor Pokemon, but now they also have to endure hissy fits from incoherent primadonnas like Silverstone.

In her letter, Airhead Alicia goes on to say that she learned during her research that milk causes heart disease and-get this-obesity. Obesity? Just because she got fat on milk doesn't mean that the drink should be banned. Let's see if Alicia, affectionately named Butt-Girl by the tabloids, can shed the pounds on her new vegan diet. Oh and while we're on the subject of unintelligent vegetarians, Christie Brinkley said last week, "I used to live in Mexico and go out into the jungle and shoot coconuts out of the trees. I could shoot a coconut down in one or two shots. But I'm a vegetarian and don't like hunting." Ugh. Gag me.

Soon after, Jennifer Lopez threw her butt into the ring. The booty-licious but deadly diva has her staff of personal assistants quaking in their boots when it comes to preparing her milk. If she demands a cup of coffee, the milk has to be stirred counter-clockwise, otherwise she won't drink it (and if she gets really, really mad, she might even threaten to sing). Even more crucial than the direction of the stirring is the milk's temperature. At a way-too-accomodating hotel in New York City, a busboy had the delightful task of bringing up Jennifer's breakfast.

Unfortunately, the milk was a bit too cold. "You have to go back for hot milk right now," said a livid publicist; the waiter remarked that she said this in the same tone that one would use to say, "You have to get on this helicopter out of Saigon right now." He still hesitated, pondering whether he should leave the not-hot-enough milk in case somebody else wanted it. Just as Empress Jennifer entered the room after her shower, the waiter was shoved out the door. "Everyone seems very concerned about the milk," he mumbled before heading into the kitchen.

Compounding and confounding the situation are the milk happenings at Harvard. Someone wiped a milk moustache onto the John Harvard statue, thoroughly befuddling the Japanese tourists. Lowell House, meanwhile, can't seem to keep its milk dispensers filled; "I hate skim milk, but I have to drink it since I don't know where all the whole milk and 2% goes," complained a confused resident. Could Masters Diana and Dorothy be in cahoots with Alicia Silverstone? And what's with the milk cartons in the bag lunches claiming that their new 2% milk tastes like whole milk? What're they doing to the milk-or, rather, to the cows?

On late-night TV, Conan fantasized about a 24-hour breastfeeding channel. Madonna, however, clearly would not be a subscriber; frustrated by the pains of lactation, she pounded her fist during a recent interview to yell, "There will be life after breast feeding!"

Ahhh. The breast of times, the worst of times.