Lines from a drunken freestyle rap overheard in the Tikki Lounge at Jungle Boogie:

"If I was from Spain / I'd be from Pimp-lona"

Michael C. Large '01 offers the Redneck Word of the Week:

Jenky: (prounced jehn-kee) adj. 1. cheesy 2. anything that falls short of satisfaction; broke

3. without class (root: from the Polish community of South Bend, Indiana.)

Ex: When the training wheels off his bicycle abruptly fell off, the toddler fell to the ground, bust his head on the cement and exclaimed, "Damn, this bike is soooo jenky!"

TREND-O-RAMA: UDDER NONSENSE

Who knew that milk was so scandalous! Once considered the trustiest of drinks (except to the 90% of the Asian population that is lactose intolerant; sorry kids), suddenly milk has become scrutinized, controversial, even-gasp-dangerous! It all seems like backlash to those ubiquitous "Got Milk?" ads that tell us so bluntly that if we don't drink milk, then we can't have iron pecs like Mark Maguire or shoulders like Serena Williams (read the fine print at the bottom: "Milk is part of a complete, healthy breakfast. Including steroid supplements.") Let's see what spawned all the Moloko Madness.

It all began last month when ultra-vegetarian Alicia Silverstone demanded an end to the "Got Milk?" campaign since it advertises "poison." Don't you love it when out-of-work actresses do their own scientific research? Isn't that just peachy? Silverstone's egomania came shining through in a letter she angrily wrote to the Federal Trade Commission: "I recently stopped consuming dairy products, in part because of all the information I learned about the harmful effects of cow's milk on human health." First of all, who cares if Alicia stops consuming dairy products? Actually, it's probably a good thing since it will increase the supply of milk available to the anorexic actress set. (There's the Ec 10 again-supply of milk for Alicia goes down, supply for Courtney Cox and Calista Flockhart goes up.) Second, I worry deeply about the mental health of the Federal Trade Commission. Not only do they have to deal with Senator John S. McCain's attempts to censor Pokemon, but now they also have to endure hissy fits from incoherent primadonnas like Silverstone.

In her letter, Airhead Alicia goes on to say that she learned during her research that milk causes heart disease and-get this-obesity. Obesity? Just because she got fat on milk doesn't mean that the drink should be banned. Let's see if Alicia, affectionately named Butt-Girl by the tabloids, can shed the pounds on her new vegan diet. Oh and while we're on the subject of unintelligent vegetarians, Christie Brinkley said last week, "I used to live in Mexico and go out into the jungle and shoot coconuts out of the trees. I could shoot a coconut down in one or two shots. But I'm a vegetarian and don't like hunting." Ugh. Gag me.

Soon after, Jennifer Lopez threw her butt into the ring. The booty-licious but deadly diva has her staff of personal assistants quaking in their boots when it comes to preparing her milk. If she demands a cup of coffee, the milk has to be stirred counter-clockwise, otherwise she won't drink it (and if she gets really, really mad, she might even threaten to sing). Even more crucial than the direction of the stirring is the milk's temperature. At a way-too-accomodating hotel in New York City, a busboy had the delightful task of bringing up Jennifer's breakfast.

Unfortunately, the milk was a bit too cold. "You have to go back for hot milk right now," said a livid publicist; the waiter remarked that she said this in the same tone that one would use to say, "You have to get on this helicopter out of Saigon right now." He still hesitated, pondering whether he should leave the not-hot-enough milk in case somebody else wanted it. Just as Empress Jennifer entered the room after her shower, the waiter was shoved out the door. "Everyone seems very concerned about the milk," he mumbled before heading into the kitchen.

Compounding and confounding the situation are the milk happenings at Harvard. Someone wiped a milk moustache onto the John Harvard statue, thoroughly befuddling the Japanese tourists. Lowell House, meanwhile, can't seem to keep its milk dispensers filled; "I hate skim milk, but I have to drink it since I don't know where all the whole milk and 2% goes," complained a confused resident. Could Masters Diana and Dorothy be in cahoots with Alicia Silverstone? And what's with the milk cartons in the bag lunches claiming that their new 2% milk tastes like whole milk? What're they doing to the milk-or, rather, to the cows?

On late-night TV, Conan fantasized about a 24-hour breastfeeding channel. Madonna, however, clearly would not be a subscriber; frustrated by the pains of lactation, she pounded her fist during a recent interview to yell, "There will be life after breast feeding!"

Ahhh. The breast of times, the worst of times.

IN THE (K)NOW SUPERSTARS!

Tired of all the inflated egos and boys and girls declaring themselves the new "hotties on campus," In the (K)now has decided to become the official sponsor of Harvard's It Boys and It Girls Search. Every two weeks, Sophia Chang '01, Grand Diva of Coolness and Style, will reward those who have found a way to get their names on everybody's lips. After searching far and wide to find this week's winners, Sophia has spoken:

IT BOY: John Friberg '01... Nicknamed "Buns" by the Harvard Crew team (hmmm), Friberg has quickly gotten the reputation as Harvard's most eligible bachelor.

IT GIRL: Alejandra Casillas '01 and the girls of Lowell K-32... For making dorm room parties cool again. Their Jungle Boogie was a rip-roaring, sweltering extravaganza-so exclusive and so well-handled that one overwhelmed guest exclaimed, "This is a who's who of Harvard!"

How do you get to be an It Boy or It Girl? You have to pass one of our bi-weekly "Dinner Game" tests. Check your mailbox to see if you receive a golden invitation.

SOMAN'S SHORTS

Interviews, commentary, photos of Russian divas and Mei Pin's travel diary, all available at www.somanintheknow.com... The sequel to Meet the Parents will be called Meet the Fockers. Tee hee hee.... Anne Heche is dating a man now. Soooo predictable... Last week, we reported that Liz Hurley was playing dumb in her attempt to avoid being expelled by the Screen Actors Guild for crossing picket lines. This week, she admitted her error and tried to buy peace with a hefty contribution to the strike fund. SAG took the money and then said, "Burn in Hell!" Which is ironic, of course, since Hurley stars in Bedazzled opening today... I find it slightly disturbing that the London tabloids named Rocco Ritchie, Madonna's newborn son, as one of Britain's most eligible bachelors. The poor thing has enough to worry about with burping, teething, and his mother's cloying, fake accent-money-grubbers and prenups should be the last thing on this mind.... Both Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez were seen pigging out on McDonald's hamburgers. What wasn't seen, of course, was their subsequent trips to the bathroom to vomit... Met a girl who told me, "You have a responsibility as a journalist to make a public service announcement." I agreed. So here's her PSA: "Do not see Lost Souls. No matter how much money they offer you or candy they promise to feed you, resist!"... Speaking of lost souls, why are they predicting a $30 million opening weekend for Blair Witch 2? I can't find one person who wants to see it. Then again, I couldn't find one person who admitted to buying Oops, I Did It Again....I'm still having nightmares about Debauchery ("I'm not surprised," chimes in a blockmate. "How could you forget that stench??")... I talked to my six-year-old cousin on the phone today. He whined about the cartoons on television these days, "They're all the same and they're all boring." I replied, "Listen, dude. When I was your age, I had to put up with 'The Snorks' and 'Jem and the Holograms'. So don't complain."

Questions, Comments, Sex Tips? E-mail schainan@fas

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