Oh, Brown. You’re just so terrible. You’ve lost seven straight, with your only Ivy win coming against Dartmouth.

I would call you the Cubs since you don’t deserve to be called Bears, but there’s already a bad sports team named the Cubs. And I couldn’t really change your first name either, since there’s not much that represents crap better than the color brown. So, enjoy it, Brown. I’ve run out of jokes to make fun of you—that’s how bad you are.

Cornell, meanwhile, continues to be uninterestingly mediocre. Before lacrosse season gets into gear this weekend, perhaps the hoops team should give Rob Pannell a look. The Big Red could use any help it can get.

Pick: Cornell 62, Brown 58

PENN AT HARVARD

Zachary, this is it. Your last shot, your final hurrah. I know deep down you regret not coming to Harvard when you had the chance. And I know the past four years, all you’ve wanted to do was win an Ivy League title to prove to yourself you made the right decision.

And so, here we are. The biggest game of your life. Time to leave everything on the line. You can’t lose this one, or every single crazy shot you’ve thrown up this season in a last-gasp attempt to singlehandedly carry your team to victory will have been worthless.

Sure, it’s been a great career. But do you always want to be the Quaker Dan Marino, the star that just couldn’t get over the hump?

Of course not. That’s why tomorrow night you need to turn in a performance up there with the likes of flu-ridden MJ in the ’97 finals while Tyler, your fellow desperate senior, plays the Scottie Pippen role.

Yet at the end of the day, Zack, you’ll find yourself falling just short once again, as Harvard is just too good at home.

But when you do, don’t despair too much. Calder and company will be there waiting with a big hug and a fancy, high-quality, super-expensive breakfast buffet when you get home, because in the glorious pancake mecca that is Philadelphia, of course, one would expect nothing less.

Pick: Harvard 67, Penn 62

PRINCETON AT DARTMOUTH

Last time these two teams met, the Big Green held Tigers star Ian Hummer to 0-11 shooting from the field. Princeton won by 12. That’s about all you need to know about Dartmouth.

Pick: Princeton 58, Dartmouth 52