Michael and Jill say sexual role-play is more about power dynamics in the bedroom than actually deriving pleasure from pain. Jill says that for her, being a sub includes cooking and dressing up for her boyfriend, not because those acts are sexually arousing but because she knows they will make him happy.

“There’s a conceptual line that gets drawn,” Michael says, about what constitutes a kink. As an example, he says that a man who likes his partner’s feet is often characterized as having a fetish, whereas a man who likes his partner’s legs is not.

“You begin to question where that line comes from,” he adds.

‘YES MEANS YES’

Sarah remembers freaking out during kinky sex only once. It was the night she and her boyfriend were using more ropes than usual and, she says, she was not in the right mindset.

“That’s why you keep scissors right there, to cut people out fast,” she says, adding that her boyfriend helped her as soon as she appeared distressed.

Sarah says that when she has kinky sex she enters “sub-space”—a mental state a sub may enter during role-play. Sarah says that in sub-space, she ceases to feel physical pain.

“It’s important to check in about limits before you start playing,” she says. “If someone doesn’t feel comfortable with something beforehand, they might agree to it in sub-space.”

At that point, it is up to the dominant partner to respect previously agreed upon boundaries.

For kinky people, communication and trust is key in determining what risks to take and boundaries to set, as well as maximizing pleasure.

“BDSM is not an acceptable cover for abuse,” Michael says, explaining that consent is the key ingredient that differentiates it from abuse.

CONFLICTING IDENTITIES

Mollena Williams, an educator in the kink and BDSM community for 15 years, says that kinky sex increases self-awareness because it forces individuals to be transparent with themselves and their partners about what pleases them. Williams, who refers to herself as “The Perverted Negress,” will discuss safe kinky sex at Harvard during Sex Week in late March.

“Sometimes what I deserve is a really nice spanking because it turns me on,” Williams says, explaining that she is the ultimate authority on what gives her pleasure. “It’s hot and it’s sexy.”

That self-awareness allows kinky students to negotiate seemingly conflicting parts of their identities.