Genitive: Vashikh bezishodnikh hudozhnikov

Dative: Vashim bezishodnim hudozhnikam

Instrumental: Vashimi bezishodnimi hudozhnikami

Prepositional: Vashikh bezishodnikh hudozhnikakh

Unfortunately, this is not just a disgraced cousin of innocent forbearers; the entire language is guilty.

Aside from such a penchant for masochism, the Russians have a curious affection for gangly words. These march across the pages with all the ostentation of our public during a time of war. For example, digest the word shapkozakidatelstvo if you can. Literally, it means “tossing-caps-up-in-the-air-ness” and connotes an arrogant faith in victory or success. It’s the kind of brilliant expression you can get bladdered on (and no doubt, this is a very Russian thing to encourage). But can you imagine them militantly lined up in a dictionary, all waiting to be uttered? Please, someone, staple me now.

I know that it is easy to get frustrated with a language— especially with one that did not have the foresight to include the word “frustration” itself (any student of Russian history knows it is a fairly important word). But I remind myself that Russian isn’t as bad as Mandarin, for example, which has a writing system divorced from its spoken language. That is like having the text of “Fiddler on the Roof” sung to “Cats.” It makes no sense at all.

I have several ideas to reform this language, but will no doubt find myself accused of linguistic arrogance. Therefore, in the interests of tolerance, I shall acquiesce to such staggering witlessness and bow out with grace. My Russian program expires—hopefully before I do—in 17 days.

Sahil K. Mahtani ’08, a Crimson editorial editor, is a history concentrator in Winthrop House. He somehow enjoys punishing himself.