This song is a black hole from which nothing can escape, not even light. “I wanna freak in the morning, freak in the evening,” is Ms. Howard’s thesis, which she supplements with such brilliant supporting arguments as “we can woof woof any time of day / it’s all good for me.” The unmemorable beat rolls along, all metallic sheen and Clinton-era ignorance. You forgot this song for a reason.

3. Soul for Real—“Candy Rain”

Who were these guys? The lead singer sounds like a fetus. “Do you ever dream of / Candy-coated raindrops?” Wouldn’t candy-coated raindrops hurt a lot when they fell down? Stupid, stupid, stupid sex-jam.

2. TLC—“Red Light Special”

I love TLC, but this song is like hearing a foreign-exchange student with a poor grasp of English talk dirty to you. “Don’t go too fast / Don’t go too slow / You’ve got to let your body flow”…oh so that’s how intercourse works. Thanks for the tip, T-Boz. Oh my god, is that a guitar solo? This is worse than being picked last for kickball.

1. Montell Jordan—“This is How We Do It”

The worst song of the bunch. And I’d forgotten that the lyrics are all about how great South Central L.A. is and how “tough” he is. But dude sounds like he has a French accent. That’s just…not gangsta. You, the reader, need to recommune with this song and figure out for yourself just how you’re going to come to terms with your actions during the Reign of Montell Jordan. Soulless R&B is the worst kind of anything.