In the (D)ark: Soman Missing!

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts (AP)—In what appears to be a bizarre example of life imitating art, pop culture columnist and wanna-be superstar Soman Chainani ’01 vanished early this week without a trace. Each Friday for the past two years, Chainani has been roasting celebrities and mocking the fads and mainstays of popular culture with his column In the (K)now; today was to have seen the publication of his farewell column.

But when the text for the final piece never arrived in the inbox of Crimson editor Christina B. Rosenberger ’02, she immediately called 911: “Looking back, I probably should have called his room or his cell phone first but I was panicking. He asked for all this room on the back page and then he goes and disappears on us. What am I supposed to fill the space with now?” When authorities knocked down the door of his room (even though his roommate claimed later that he would have gladly “opened it for them if they had asked”), their search of the room made it “quite clear that Soman hadn’t been there for days.” Though it’s surely too early to jump to conclusions, his friends insist that Soman’s disappearance is no coincidence—and that he shouldn’t be expected to resurface anytime soon.

“At first I thought the PSLM was responsible,” said friend Emily O. Matthews ’01. “After his column last week, I told him it was only a matter of time before they took their revenge.” But two-time In the (K)now It Girl Alejandra Casillas ’01 said she had it all figured out. “He always said that there were two types of celebrities—the ones who leave a legacy by going up in flames like Marilyn Monroe and the ones who get fat and useless like Marlon Brando. Soman always wanted a dramatic exit—like Elvis, Bruce Lee or Princess Diana. Without that shroud of mystery, he knew that his Behind the Music or E! True Hollywood Story episode could never get top ratings,” said Casillas. “But when I also informed him of the fact that he isn’t a celebrity, he got this look of horror on his face, kicked me in the knee and stormed off. I never saw him again.”

“He was just so afraid of being Nicole Kidman,” said Eric H. Wong ’02. When pressed to explain, Wong rolled his eyes and said, “I mean it’s so obvious. Nicole used to be the goddess of Hollywood. But it’s all downhill from here. We’ll watch her age, try to date other men who are nowhere near as attractive as Tom, and eventually get fat and wrinkled. She’ll never be as intriguing or intimidating as she once was. I think that Soman feared the same fate.”

It Boy alum Johnny Lee ’01 pooh-poohed the Kidman Hypothesis: “There’s no question, absolutely no question that Gwyneth did it.” When asked what exactly Gwyneth “did,” Lee’s voice sunk to a whisper. “You know, murdered him. I mean how much abuse could that poor woman take?”

A private investigator hired for the case cited a tagline used for the column over the past few weeks as the key to solving the mystery. “His e-mail plan says ‘Soman has a Secret’ and I’ve heard from students that there were posters all over the Yard last week with that same line on it. So now it’s just a question of finding out what that ‘Secret’ actually was.”