But this is all pretty fantastic, I admit. It's hard to imagine anyone writing such a thing, since it would obviously offend some people, and would therefore be wrong. Very wrong. So wrong, in fact, that the publication that printed such offensive dreck could hardly apologize fast enough for its terrible sin.

Now perhaps there is someone in the audience--some fresh-faced first-year journalist, maybe, bright-eyed and ink-stained--who is made uncomfortable by this crushing code of inoffensiveness. Can we never print anything wild and outrageous? he asks plaintively. Must all our writing be little more than mush and dreary pabulum?

To him I say, fear not! There are still many people out there who cannot be offended, who are fair game for the slings and arrows of outrageous writers! These include many disparate and exciting groups: evangelical Christians, members of Final Clubs, WASPs, Republicans, the members of the Harvard Corporation and yes, the English. With these perfectly pernicious punching bags as targets, young journalist, you may whale away! Nary a peep will be made on their behalf, because (being evil, and predestined for hell) they deserve what they get.

But when it comes to the good, the virtuous, and the kind--like the women of New Haven County, or the Asians of Harvard--bite back those offensive words, and curb that naughty pen! For unless you are prepared to prove every jot and tittle of your case, by calling on reams of statistics and endless interviews that prove, conclusively, that many Asians self-segregate or many Southern Connecticut maidens break mirrors by looking in them--well, then you are guilty of employing a stereotype, and whatever gods there are will have no mercy on your soul.

And rest assured, whoever dares to run your words will apologize. Maybe even twice.

Ross G. Douthat '02 is a history and literature concentrator in Quincy House. His column appears on alternate Mondays.