Then Bill Clinton had to make the office oval. Jerk.

A peach, a plum, a stick of chewing gum. Don't like it, don't chew it, and this means you.

Look at it like this: if our military were longer we could beat up Slobodan Milosevic. We can't even beat up a guy named Slobodan Milosevic.

In high school, there was this kid Slobodan. We called him Stinky Slobber Dan for short. God, I hated that kid.

I used to just punch him for so much fun.

No wait, that was me. I was Stinky Slobber Dan. Damn those pills.

The topic of high school brings us to the fifth problem plaguing this Great Nation my friendly Americans.

That problem is education. Schools have fuzzy math and creative spelling. I wish they had creative spelling when I was small, but I'm big now, and I hate education.

Look what it did to me. I can't spell! Damn you education!!! I'll cut your taxes off!

So, vote for me. I've even got three lies about me like John Harvard.

First, my name isn't Dan. It's James Danforth Quayle. I like people to call me Dan, like Lieutenant Dan in "Forest Gump." Forest Gump is my hero.

Besides, in Congress all the pages called me Lame James and kicked me.

Second, I'm not smart. I'm stoopid.

Third, I'm not smart, I'm stewpit.

So to recap. I will make a good president because I'll cut the long taxes and redesign the oval office and punch Slobber Dan square in the nuts and stop education.

Thanks for not spitting on me. Baratunde R. Thurston `99 is a philosophy concentrator in Lowell House. His column appears on alternate Tuesdays.