(a) Charm a dinner invitation to the Watson's.

(b) Plane tickets back to good ol' H.K. are going dirt cheap right now.

(c) Experiment with an episode of Yen-Can-Cook and that totally illegal dorm room hotpot.

Those without mad skillz using stir-fry woks probably ought to hail the "Chinese Kitchen Food Truck." It's stationed just north of the Science Center, 35 Oxford St. Large box meals go for only $3 to 3.50. Tempt fate with by capping off your meal with two fortune cookies (25c for the pair).

Watson has his favorite fortune framed in his William James Hall office.

"You are a person of culture," reads the cookie's all-too-appropriate

strip. "As an anthropologist," Watson says, "I was very glad to hear that."

ON SEX

Who: Professors Irv DeVore and Marc Hauser, Anthropology

Teach: Science B-29: "Human Behavioral Biology" (aka "Sex")

Best way to procure condoms on the sly:

Hauser openly claims to have won a lottery providing himself with a lifetime supply of condoms. "This cuts out on the embarrassment of being seen at Hubba Hubba by my students," says Hubba Hubba Hauser.

DeVore was a little more reluctant to disclose the source of his "french envelopes." But upon being pressed, he revealed the root of his secrecy. His condoms are fashioned from "the appendix of a nearly extinct breed of sheep, now raised in only two remote villages in the Caucasus," which are gossamer-thin and known for their "great tensile strength."

Oh, the scandal! But that's not all. According to DeVore, these appendices of such rare and delicate quality are conveyed by diplomatic pouch to the U.S. and distributed through the Washington-Harvard network to only eight select Faculty members. "As you may imagine, the number of such appendices annually available to each of us is not generous," said DeVore, "But alas, I find my quota sufficient for my needs."

Fair enough. But who are the other lucky seven?