These liberals love to accept money from the federal government for science research and scholarships for their beloved poor. But they trample on the souls of ROTC students just because our nation discriminates against a few of those homosexuals. What hypocrisy! What base injustice!

Citizen Pombo will lead the battle against those heretical citizens who think they can just go around and do whatever they want within their socalled college, without consulting the federal government first.

If our Secretary of Defense declares that he wants a ROTC program in every pot, how dare they question his authority? In the coming battle, we shall see who our enemies are, oh yes we will. The Kremlin on the Charles thinks it can force our young warriors to jog down the river to MIT, but it will think again, my brothers.

Yet I hesitate to tell you--oh yes, my pen shakes while I write--that this ROTC oppression is only the tip of this liberal threat. Beneath the waters lies a much greater threat to the traditions of our great nation. For you might not realize this my friends, but these liberals believe that they can teach anything they want, no matter how far removed from any practical occupations. Yes, remember the proverb: Idleness is the soul of wit. Under this license, these ivy walls are stained with the slime of witchcraft, internet pornography and the nefarious activities of the Action Man.

I propose new legislation to crack down on this so-called academic freedom before the corruption spreads to the surrounding areas. (The Communists took over Cambridge long ago.) So long as these universities receive federal funds, the Secretary of Defense shall select their students, teach their courses and choose the ice cream flavor of the day. No more talk about diversity or any of those other liberal bywords. That only lets anarchists infiltrate our sacred halls.

My friends, our task is large but our numbers are growing. Our drowning brothers in the military call out for our aid.