The Football Team? The Football Team?: The Maine football team was rocked by scandal this week when three of its players tested positive for steroids.

Now, two things: first, why the hell would anyone who played for Maine--that hotbed of college football excellence--take steroids?

Second, give The Crimson's investigative reporters a few phone numbers and a two-day head start and it could have half the Maine hockey team in federal court in a week. (C'mon, if the football team takes steroids...)

Speaking of Maine: Maine superfreshman Paul Kariya leads the nation in scoring and is the current favorite to win the Hobey Baker. He also passed up the chance to be part of Harvard's Class of '96.

Kariya passed Byerly Hall with flying colors but Tomassoni couldn't sell the small-town star (Kariya hails from north of Van-couver, British Columbia) on the benefits of urban life. Apparently, Kariya thought Boston would distract him from his hockey, so he opted for the complete sensory-deprivation tank of Orono, Mc. But just think.

Drury slides the puck over to Mallgrave...he passes back to Drury who feeds Kariya cutting towards the net, he shoots--he SCORES!...

Nah, there's probably a law.

Moving Off of Hockey: Just for the record, the men's and women's squash teams are very good. Five out of the top 10 women and the top two men in the country are from Harvard. That is domination in the true Marxist sense of the word...

Also For The Record: Playing a full screen of hockey with just 12 players like the women's hockey team did is akin to suiting up only 20 players for a football game. Harvard lost eight games by one-goal margins. Research has shown that fatigue of that level can induce hallucinogenic visions in laboratory animals.

Back to Hockey And Did Anyone See Party Cohagen on Monday?: I mean that stick to the nose he took against St. Lawrence did some damage. Purples, blues, band-aids and bandages...bruises like that usually involve unintentional collisions with heavy machinery.

What's Up With That/I Hear The Alps Are Lovely This Time of Year: And what's with those Celtics? They're good, they're bad, they're good, they're bad, they're good, they're bad--pick and level and stick with it.

Frankly, the Celtics could use the consistency of Harvard men's basketball Captain Tyler Rullman. The only thing that slows him down are 102-degree fevers. (OK, and kryptonite.)

Unfortunately, history is not favoring Harvard's third all-time leading scorer and three-time Ivy League Player of the Week. The last Ivy star to go professional was Princeton "point-center" Kit Mueller, the near-hero of the Tigers' near-win over Georgetown three years ago in the NCAA tournament.

Last time anyone checked, he was playing ball in Switzerland. (Stop that! The Geneva-Zurich rivalry can get pretty intense.)

Somehow This God Lost in the Mail: Women's volleyball Coach Wayne Lem will not be returning next year. No word yet on his successor.