The week begins in earnest with first-yearregistration. Registration sounds important. Itsounds like something that requires an early alarmclock setting. But the secret to registration isto go in the afternoon. Everyone thinks it's agood idea to line up in the morning. As a result,first-years find themselves stuck in an hour-longline playing more name game, which by now isbeginning to get old. And it's still early in theweek.
The line is good for something, though. Thecoach of the varsity crew team shows up to checkout the new crop of first-years, zeroing in on thetallest ones who just might be interested inrising at 5 a.m. to row on the chilly Charles.Short students will be asked to be coxswains.Average-heighted students will be ignored.
Inside Memorial Hall, first-years fill outforms and sign their names several times. Theyexit the building, only to enter a tent in whichthey are attacked from all sides by members ofvarious extracurricular groups: JoinHarvard-Radcliffe Orchestra! Comp the Advocate!Interested in Public Service? WannaRTLÄa HarvardCheerleader? Comp The Crimson! Studentsinvariably get involved in some of theseactivities and wind up either enriched or bootedfrom school after they devote 20 hours a day tothe organization and forget to study.
Generally, the first episode of the orientationweek placement test series is the famousExpository Writing Test, in which first-yearsstruggle to recall their admissions essays, whichmust have impressed someone over at Biyearly Hall.Now they must once again impress someone--thistime in the Expos Department--so that they can getinto a decent semester-long writing class andavoid Expos 10, the year-long alternative for theless prosaically-inclined.
There are other tests to take, for students wholike that kind of thing. Chemistry placement testsdetermine the level of hell for would-be premeds.It's a good idea to take a foreign languageplacement test; it's possible to test out ofHarvard's foreign language requirement. An eveningcookout caps that day's activities. More namegame.
Students awake the next day to a delightfulmath test. Harvard doesn't force anyone to takemath, so the results are completely irrelevant forhumanities concentrators. These people should havefun with the test and enjoy a good hearty laugh atthe results, which will not be too impressive.
There's a talent show one night, in whichfirst-years applaud their gifted classmates whocan play guitar, sing and even recite "The Raven"from memory. But while this is Harvard, there willstill be crummy acts. Which will be refreshing,since this is Harvard.
Mid-week, first-years will have to spend themorning acing or bombing the notoriousQuantitative Reasoning Requirement Data Test.Students arrive to their assigned testinglocation, QRR Study Guides in hand, and get readyto embark on the long journey to "20," which isthe minimum score for passing the exam. Byachieving this feat, first-years avoid the nasty"QRA" course and are liberated from bell curvesand pie charts forever. Unless they're intostatistics, or are regular readers of USA Today.
For the rest of the day, first-years can takemore placement tests if they so desire, and attenduninteresting panel discussions. They can also hopfrom extracurricular introductory meeting toextracurricular introductory meeting, filling upat each stop on the Smartfood and Doritos providedfor refreshment. That night, first-years get afirst look at one of Harvard's strangerphenomenons, the a capella jam. The performance'spattern goes something like this: a capella groupperforms funny skit. Audience members laugh andwish they, too, could wear tuxedos and blackcocktail dresses and be funny. A capella groupsings song with lots of ba-ba-ba sounds andharmonizing. Audience members applaud and wishthey, too, could wear tuxedos and black cocktaildresses and sing well. A capella groups encouragefirst years to audition.
Audience members go to auditions, try out, getcut and wish they, too, could wear tuxedos andblack cocktail dresses and be in an a capellagroup. Six months later, after attending a capellaconcerts every other weekend, audience membersrealize they never want to see another tuxedo orblack cocktail dress again.
At some point during the week, prefects show upto meet their assigned dorm. Prefects are olderHarvard students who "show the ropes" tofirst-years. They might take their group out toice cream every week, invite them to their riverhouse suites to watch The Simpsons" on Thursdaysat 8 or explore Boston with their prefectees. Ormaybe they'll never stop by again.
The night they appear, prefects lead theircharges on a wild goose chase through the Yard.They are supposed to be competing against all theother dorms in this Hunt for the Yard Plate, afancy-looking silver platter. But with 1600 bodiestearing through the dark and screamingHolworthy/Thayer/Canaday Rules!, it isanyone's guess who wins.
As orientation week winds down, firstyears aretreated to still more placement tests andextracurricular meetings. On Friday evening,however, they gather at the Science Center for oneof Harvard's most bizarre rituals. The Crimson Keysponsors a screening of Love Story, a filmwhich takes place at the big H in the 1970s.
As if the crocheted caps, bellbottoms andultra-cheezy, heavy-on-the-string-section scoreare not enough, Crimson Key members turn theviewing into Harvard's very own Rocky HorrorPicture Show. They shout out wisecracks, thenlaugh at their own jokes. As the movie draws toits saccharine close, firstyears generally stareat the screen in stunned silence, wondering ifmaybe they should've picked Yale after all.
Finally, orientation week concludes for good onSunday afternoon, when finelydressed first-yearsparade to a tea hosted by President Neil L.Rudenstine and Radcliffe President Linda S.Wilson. Brave students can introduce themselves toHarvard's head honchos. Or they can spend thefinal hours of the week playing one more round ofname game.
Because next week, it's time to move on. Now,Harvard thinks its first-years are sufficientlyoriented. Maybe they are, and maybe they aren't.
But many are exhausted with constantsocializing, and are almost looking forwardto--yes--studying.