Welcome to the Head, Joe. Your college town will host 200,000 drunken underage visitors this weekend. And just think--any one of them could barf on your Oriental rug before the weekend is over.
Joe will witness strange things during these maniacal days. He will be asked to show I.D. to get into the Yard. He will attend a Dartmouth party in Leverett House. He will see thousands of allegedly hip weekend funseekers with nothing better to do than watch an endless *** of grunting crewbies row, row, row their boats gently down the river. He will see trashed teenagers wearing sweat-shirts advertising every college and prep school in the Western Hemisphere.
Here are some Head Facts for Joe to ponder.
.When asked to identify a "crew," 73 percent of the 1989 Head's spectators pointed towards Ol' Man Charles River. 12 percent pointed to their ROTC hairdos. 8 percent mumbled indistinct Motley Crue lyrics. The rest belched or passed out.
.According to Cambridge Penal Statute 6ZV-3.2, the use of "Head" in a pun during Head of the Charles weekend constitutes a felony. Miscreants caught bantering about Head aches, Head starts or Head cases all face 60-day jail sentences. The sale of T-shirts invoking unsubtle Head sexual innuendo is punishable by death.
.If Joe had poured all the beer consumed at last year's Head into the Atlantic Ocean, sloshed fish would have floated to the surface wearing lampshades and singing "Great Balls o' Fire"
(Editor's note: The Committee on Balanced Journalism would like to interrupt this flagrantly biased blather to present the alternative opinion of the Metropolitan District Commission, which organizes the Head. According to MDC spokesperson Peter LaPorte "The Head has become more of a family event." We now return you to our regularly scheduled diatribe.)
How wholesome. If you'd like to congratulate Mr. LaPorte on his insight, he'll be near the B.U. Bridge pumping kegs with his kids.
No, Just Kidding! The good folks at MDC and Harvard want you to know that this year, there will be No Underage Drinking at the Head! There are Laws to Uphold! And an Alcohol Policy! So let's come together for some Good Clean Sober American Fun!
Of course, even the most abstemious Headgoers get thirsty. Never fear. There's a big bash in Joe's room Saturday night. You're all invited.
Tell him Bruno sent you.