"It's aimed at San Diego," a company official reported. "We don't mind if they take the America's Cup from New England, but we draw the line at Bruce Hurst. This will teach them."

Don't do it, Bruce. Have mercy.

The Boston sports teams have organized to keep Bruce in Boston. Physically.

Jim Rice heads this covert "Barricade Bruce" squad. The Patriots have sent Andre Tippett and Bruce Armstrong. Jay Miller and Lyndon Byers of the Bruins have joined the force. Robert Parish and Ramon Rivas of the Celtics will be there.

"We'll be at all the exit points when he tries to leave. On all the highways, at the airport," said a spokesperson for the squad. "We hear the fans have the train stations sealed off."

"We should be able to stop him. Hurst is tough, but Andre has a black belt in karate. Parish tuned up for this assignment a few weeks ago. A fellow named Laimbeer was his sparring partner."

"The Bruins may have a game that day, but we're not worried," the shadowy informant continued. "They'll just get thrown out at the start like they always do, then go to Logan and stop Bruce."

This could get nasty, Bruce. Don't do it.

Roger Clemens is down in Texas now, but the Rocket Man has offered to throw a fastball from there to back Hurst away from the airline gate. "I'd rather throw at George Bell," said the Sox ace, "but we need Hursty next year."

If you haven't figured it out yet, Bruce, no one wants you to leave. But in all seriousness, the biggest reason for you to stay is the fact that none of the above would really happen.

You see, if you leave, tears will be shed, curses will be uttered and hearts will be broken. But Boston will recover. We'll all still love the Sox, win or lose, Bruce Hurst or no Bruce Hurst.

I'm not sure what you see in San Diego. Beaches, good weather, the zoo, whatever. But Boston is something I'm not sure San Diego is. It's a baseball town. It's a Red Sox town. It's a loyal town.

Yes, you received a stack of letters from San Diego fans, but will they be there with you when the Padres are down? As for Boston fans, remember the parade after the '86 series? They may be demanding, even unforgiving, but they love the Sox for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer. And yes, 'til death do us part.

So if you're thinking about heading west to play baseball, think about what kind of baseball town you're heading for. I don't know much about other towns and their fans, but they don't come much better than in Boston.

Don't do it, Bruce.