President Nixon tells Indians occupying the Bureau of Indian Affairs to clean up and get a job. "There is no place for us in American Society," claims aborigine spokesperson Jane Fonda. "That's what the Washington Redskins were saying five years ago." Nixon replies, "and look where they are today," F. Skiddy von Stade '38 observes that there "would be no issue at all" about equal admissions if Radcliffe girls were "four times more promiscuous." A. Edward Heimer '49 Master of Eliot House, derides the suggestion as "an impossibility" but L. Fred Jewett '59 decides to use it in the last minute advertising attempt to recruit the Class of 77. "Have we got a Fall for you!" Harvard posters tell prospective freshmen. Fingered by svelt actress Jill St. John, Dr. Henry Kissinger '50 testifies before the Rowayton, Conn., International Sex Crimes Tribunal. "I vas only following orders," Kissinger tells miss St. John.
September
President Nixon sends a telegram to Ambassador Daniel P. Moynihan in New Dehli: WHILE YOU ARE THERE COULD YOU HANDLE THE BUREAU OF INDIAN AFFAIRS STOP HOW IS THE WHETHER STOP IT IS FINE HERE STOP THE PRESIDENT. Testifying before a crowded Congressional committee, Synthetics specialist and rat expert Dr. Robert P. Geyer reminds the representatives, "Rats might be under control but Derek Bok is still at large!" In his long overdue report on cohabitation, Lowell Housemaster Zeph Stewart finds that "only about one out of every 3.5 students sleeps in a room not her own." "The statistics belie the insignificance of the problem," Stewart concludes, "Every student I talked with admitted that they really only slept on the living room sofa, or on the bedroom carpet, or platonically outside the covers--in all, just 'showing-off."
October
"The Lord is my shepherd," Christopher Jencks tells Freshmen gathered in Sanders Theatre, "I shall not want." Asked about his strategy this year, Coach Joe Restic, radical theoretician of Soldiers Field, explains his theory that "not only is the best defense a good offense, but the best offense is a good offense." Questioned about his team's chances. Restic confides in the journalists "his conviction" that "on any given Saturday, any team can beat any other team." "Luckily," Restic observes, "all our games are on Saturday this year." President Nixon proclaims Cambridge, Massachusetts, the "National Halloween Disaster Area." Cambridge returns the compliment.
November
A much aged and saddened Dr. Robert P. Geyer tells reporters that John Lindsay's mayoralty defeat was not only a tremendous setback to synthetics and to him personally, but an irreparable loss for rats the world over. "If you won't nullify Rat Control." Former Justice William O. Douglas tells the Supreme Court, "at least grant these rodents the right to lawful assembly." After the bearing Douglas confides at a press conference: "Now they want to control rats, next it'll be the Jews--you know what that means." The elder justice returns to Alaska to write a book about a liberal-thinking rat that is forced to bite ghetto children to defend his constitutional rights. President Nixon tells a Lake Forrest, Illinois Grand Jury investigating Federal complicity in Vietnam war crimes, that to reveal his sources would violate his rights as a published author.
December
In an article on the Op-ed Page of The New York Times, David Landau '72 defends Dr. Kissinger's "tardiness" in ending the war. "Although Kissinger has a big brain," Landas writes, "he is semi-human like the rest of us." In a citywide ecology dragnet Cambridge police arrest six staff members of the Harvard University Gazette and book them for "willful, premeditated and repeated pollution of the area with noxious and pointless litter." Collapsing in the face of police interrogation, Harvard Publicity Director Deans Lord admits that Derek Bok, Henry Kissinger and Patrick Moynihan were her creation. "We needed some cheap notoriety," Lord sobs. "Not every experiment is a successful one." In an ecumenical Christmas Eve gesture, President Bok and Christopher Jencks hold a joint press conference and in union chant: "We forgive those who trespass against Us. For Ours is the Power and the Kingdom and the Glory, for ever and ever, in Heaven as it is on Earth, Amen."