In this edition of Around the Ivies, beat writer Sam Danello takes us on an unconventional journey through the Ivy League

“Hammerschlagen”—what does it mean?

Credible internet sources suggest a variety of answers. The word may mean “to beat with a hammer,” “hammer beating,” or “a game in which participants beat things with a hammer.” All valid.

As a football writer for The Harvard Crimson, however, I have special authority on the topic. “Hammerschlagen” has precisely one meaning, namely “the brutal, incessant, and pounding reality known as Ivy League football.”

Sometimes you’re a hammer, and sometimes you’re a nail. Simple as that.

After three weeks of play, Harvard football has yet to bend beneath the cruel metal of domination. The team is 3-0, but all the players are hungry. Literally they are hungry. Literally. All of them have limited access to food because HUDS went on strike, leaving behind mysterious items such as “Harvest Vegetable Pyramids.”

What can we students do, hunt squirrels in Harvard Square? I believe in workers’ rights, but squirrels are fast and devious creatures. It’s a tough situation. Everyone hoards protein like French citizens before the Revolution, and there are no hard-boiled eggs at breakfast.

Needless to say, I need activities such as this column to distract me from starvation. We have a DELICIOUS offering of games this weekend. Indeed the Ancient Eight in 2016 is as varied as sports writer Julio Fierro’s collection of Patagonia fleeces.

Before diving into details, however, I’m contractually obligated to assert my status as veteran football beat writer. Gant and Jack, I hope you enjoyed warming the Around the Ivies throne the last two weeks. Maybe you described the inadequacies of your dating life, and maybe you made wildly inaccurate predictions about Penn-Dartmouth. But really, who’s counting?

I’m counting, that’s who. And I expect my predictions this week to be as accurate as the nickname “Four-Beer Gant.” In other words, 100 percent accurate. Onto the hammerschlagen:

STETSON AT BROWN

The Waterboy (1998) tells the tale of a 31-year-old man named Bobby (Adam Sandler) who dreams of hydrating a local college team called the Mud Dogs. As Wikipedia details, players face many problems: “[T]hey have lost 40 consecutive games, their cheerleaders have become alcoholics, and players are forced to share equipment.” Tough times.

Many twists ensue—it turns out that Bobby’s assumed-dead father is living with a voodoo priestess, for example—but the movie ends happily. Bobby emerges as a bone-crushing linebacker, the Mud Dogs win the championship, and everyone is glad when the credits roll.

Parts of The Waterboy were filmed at Stetson University, and this cinematic fact may mark the University’s biggest claim to fame. Which tells you a lot about Stetson.

Let’s just say that it’d take the intervention of a voodoo priestess, rehabbed cheerleaders, and a Waterboy-style miracle for the Hatters to win.

Prediction: Brown 34, Stetson 14