...The changing of the season has put Gossip Guy in a fine mood. There’s nothing he likes more than walking in the crisp autumn lies, carving rumors into jack-o-lanterns and watching beautiful, multi-hued innuendo fall from the trees...
...Felix P. Johnson ’03 fancies himself a master of debate. The students who endure his obnoxious weekly rants about immigrants in “Justice” section fancy him a jackass. Several wrote their first papers about why, if given the choice between saving a doctor or five Hitlers, they would kick Johnson in the balls...
...Daryl O. Peng ’05 is tired of this shit. “I mean, come on, man,” he adds. “That’s just total bullshit”...
...After a late night at Redline, Monica P. Hansen ’04 invited herself over to the Quincy single of fellow government concentrator Jimmy A. Friedkin ’04. Reasoning that a 2 a.m. solo visit from a member of the opposite sex was most likely booty-related, Friedkin was not pleased when Hansen announced that she had come to decorate his room. After 45 minutes of awkward room-decoration banter, Friedkin made his move. “After she moved my floor lamp across the room I told her there was one other long pole in the room that she needed to grab,” he remembers, “so she punched me in the kidney and left.” Ruminated a chagrined Friedkin: “I guess it’s OK. I mean, I only have to see her for, hmmm, four hours a week in tutorial, two hours in lecture for Samurai, two hours in lecture for War and Politics and one hour for War and Politics section.” He paused. “Kill me now”...
...David G. Umansky ’04 wonders why no one appreciates the old-fashioned cockblock he laid on notorious jackass K. Derek Rogers ’04 last weekend. Let’s just say the French army probably could’ve blocked that cock...
...Future applied math concentrator Amy Y. Daharpuni ’06 has been making too many Venn diagrams lately. “When I go to parties, it’s like there’s this one subset of people that are hooking up and this other subset that’s puking all over themselves. And there’s always one person in the intersection of those sets.” Statisticians suggest that, more often that not, that person is William K. Weaver ’98-’03...
...Friends of Casey B. Weinstein ’03 dispute the wannabe rapper’s recent assertion that he “lay[s] down rhymes like carpet.” Comments roommate David B. Stevens ’03: “I don’t know about that, man. It might be more accurate to say that he ‘watches Dawson’s Creek like a teenage girl,’ or that he ‘leaves his shit lying around like a four-year-old.’” However, Weinstein’s seemingly contradictory rejoinder to these charges—“I don’t write rhymes, I write checks”—has been confirmed by bank statements, which record more than 15 recent checks made out to the vendors of the Girls Gone Wild video series...
...Brian D. Boesen ’03, notorious for pioneering the seduction technique of standing outside Thayer and grabbing random asses, has changed his game. The girls of Rindge and Latin are not pleased...
...NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Jessica O. Cheng ’04 wishes she’d started her tutorial paper sooner. “I just think it could have been a lot better if I’d given it a little more time,” she says...Katy K. Redman ’06 got this month’s issue of the Atlantic Monthly in her mailbox. “I guess the person who had my number last year must have had a subscription,” she speculated...
