If John Milton made a movie, I don't think he would have cast Alanis Morrisette as God. If John Milton had a soundtrack to this movie, for the love of God he would not have included Alanis cacophony as the only lyrical track. But Kevin Smith--who has taken on the Greatest Story Ever Told in his new film, Dogma--has erroneously decided to do both. Depending on who you are, this either inspires horror, laughter or pious reverence to the Great and All-Powerful Alanis. On the first day, she created Jagged Little Pill. On the second day, she created Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie. On the third day, the poor girl should have rested--"Still," her contribution to this soundtrack, is enough to make me you wish you had martyred yourself somewhere in between day two and three. Perhaps she could have done us all a favor and "uninvited" herself from the pop music scene for a couple of millennia or so. If Smith had seen her tortuous Woodstock show, he would have casted her as the Dark Lord Satan herself. If I were God, I would have kicked her off my Heavenly Choir whether she had rebelled against me or not. As for the rest of the orchestral soundtrack that sounds like a mix of "Barney and Friends" and Excalibur, who gives a damn? Alanis: F The rest: C