Just so you know, your visit is not as unexpected as it seems. All juniors on campus received highly-detailed mailings some weeks ago alerting us to the fact. Also, your frequent phone calls about hotel and restaurant reservations and that damn schizophrenia lecture to be given this morning kept the impending weekend at the front of our "to do" lists.

At Dartboard, we understand students' desire to present their parents with the best possible picture of their experience here--even if the sublime ivory tower is a nothing but a fantasy. We thought we'd let you in on a few of the preparations that your children made before your arrival:

1. Vacuuming. (Oh, those dustballs in the corner of the room? They are what remains after the big clean-up.)

2. School work. (What has to get done that can't get done while you're here.)

3. Squirrel shooting. (Wouldn't want those rabies-infested creatures petting the folks.)

4. Laundry. (So you wouldn't know how very many times we wear the same jeans.)

5. Cleaning out the doorbox. (Parents have no need to be bored by the Indy.)

6. Roommate talks. (That common room isn't always so spic-'n-span.)

7. Prayer. (The weather is nice, isn't it? And it's not even a Jewish holiday.)

8. Postering. (The Radcliffe Women's Action Coalition thought that it should let you know about the dangers of final clubs by hanging signs that say, for example, "Swat the Fly.")

9. Fasting. (Waiting for the good stuff.)

10. Wondering. (How do you justify spending $30,000 per year for this?)