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Anti-Ant PB&J

IT'S INCREDIBLE HOW much difference a year makes.

Hotbeds of liberalism protested or, at least, questioned U.S. tactics of killing in the Persian Gulf War. Students were, at least, jarred by the scenes of civilian casualties in Iraq. People did anything but sit by quietly as the bombs fell.

But now, when the peanut butter is hitting the fan, all-out warfare is being waged against a distinct community on campus and no one seems to mind.

No, I'm not referring to recent incidents of homophobia, racism or anti-Semitism. I'm not even thinking about final clubs and their sexist attacks on women.

I'm talking about ants. The ants of Dunster House.

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As you read this, hundreds of tiny Pharaoh ants are haplessly wandering onto index cards smeared with peanut butter. Little do they know, it is not the same Skippy Louie's sells on the corner. This stuff means business and it's laced with boric acid.

The peanut butter project is now in full swing. Operation DEAD (Death to Every Ant in Dunster) is underway.

THIS IS HOW it works. After a hard day on the job, the worker ants fork over the acid they collected in the peanut butter to the queen ant. The resulting stuffed up intestinal tract leads her to a cruel fate. Without a queen, the colony quickly succumbs to disorganization and death.

True, she's the only one to bite the dust from poison. True, unintended casualties are held to a minimum. But still, ant death by constipation can't be a pretty sight.

Not to worry. No student sees the tragic result of his or her trap-laying. There is no battlefield littered with red corpses.

Operation DEAD exemplifies modern-day sanitized warfare. One is not forced to deal with the consequences of fatal action.

You'd think some Dunster activist would stand up and protest this mass killing. But not so. This murderous spree must fall more in line with the house's annual goat-slaughtering ritual.

I DON'T LIKE KILLING, but when it comes down to it, something has to be done to stop these little critters. Their numbers have been steadily on the rise in a house already begging for breathing space for its human inhabitants.

When asked whether the abundance of ants exacerbated Dunster's rooming shortage, Assistant to the House Masters Carol A. Finn only said, "unless you want to live in the ant-holes, the ants have no effect on Dunster's space shortage problems."

Peanut butter really is the best avenue for a kind and gentle death. Spraying could only be done in the summer, when the house is empty. And anyway, Finn says, "It's more socially acceptable to scrape dead ants off the floor than dead students."

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