IT'S SHOCKING.

I was looking for a place to sleep when I happened to notice that the lights were on in the home of my close personal friend, Jeffrey J. Wise. Thinking to ask to crash on his rug, I shinnied up the drainpipe, forced the window lock, and climbed into his bedroom. But, alas, he was not there. What I did find, however, was much more intriguing.

While looking around for hints of my host's whereabouts, I found a bundle of papers locked in a metal box under the floorboards. The contents of these papers were so outrageous, so shocking, and so lurid that I could not put them down--except to urinate and run to Elsie's for a sandwich.

Rather than provide my own interpretation, I will let the documents speak for themselves.

To. Department of Petty Assistants Kennedy School of Government

Dear Ms. Petty Assistant:

How are you? I am fine. Well, not really. You see, Ms. Assistant, I am a senior at Harvard and it has recently come to my attention that my grade point average is slightly deficient vis-a-vis getting a diploma. As you can probably imagine, this is causing me a great deal of distress.

Some of my friends have told me that there are advisor-type people I can talk to about my problems here at Harvard, Ms. Assistant, but frankly if that means paying a bribe I'm afraid I just don't have a whole heap of moola. So I'm writing to different Harvard graduate schools to see if I can't get a better price for a Harvard affiliation from one of them.

How does $12 sound? I know it won't get me a building with my name on it or anything, but all I really need is a piece of paper to make everything official.

Hoping to hear from you soon, Jeffrey J. Wise

To: Jeffrey J. Wise

Harvard College

Dear Mr. Wise,

With regards to your letter of x/xx/xx, we would require further information regarding your situation at present. For example: Who the hell do you think you are? And: who do you think you're dealing with? Twelve dollars?

You'll have to do better than that, Mr. Wise.