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All in the Family

POLITICS

AFTER TWO WEEKS of allowing the so-called Billygate affair to flounder about in public out of control (much in the fashion of his administration), President Carter has finally taken steps to halt the onslaught of conflicting information and contradictory statements, not to mention cretinous comments from his brother, that have disheartened many already disenchanted Democrats and rallied rambunctious Republicans.

In his usual manner of meeting crises head-on, Carter retreated to the halcyon confines of Camp David last weekend to develop with his closest advisers the definitive statement on the Billygate matter....

"Now, Mr. President," said an aide, "let's go over once again the meeting you had with the attorney general during which you had a casual discussion about the investigation of Billy."

"All right, I've got my notes on the meeting right here," replied Carter, pulling a Bazooka buble gum wrapper from his pocket. "Ben was wearing green golf pants and a yellow shirt open at the neck, and I had on my jogging outfit. Ben told me I shouldn't ask him about the investigation or why he thought it was a good idea for Billy to register as a Libyan agent. So I didn't."

Another assistant suggested, "There are going to be a lot of questions about the role of your relatives in foreign policy, Mr. President."

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Carter nodded and declared, "And we'll answer that I never allow family members to influence foreign policy or any decisions regarding our nation's national security interests."

As the president finished speaking, his wife Rosalynn entered the room. "Well, Jimmy, I'm off on the road to Morocco now. I just want to get this straight--I'm suppose to offer them 100 fighter planes if they'll take Billy permanently?"

"No, honey," the president replied. "They only have to take him until we trade him for the hostages in Iran."

"Okay, dear. Is there anything special you want me to tell Premier Brezhnev when I see him?"

Carter thought for a moment. "Nothing in particular. Just don't upset him the way Mama did last time she went to Moscow."

"I'll try, Jimmy. Now don't work too hard while I'm gone. By the way, if President Sadat calls for me while I'm away, take a message."

"I will, honey. Have a nice trip."

As Rosalynn left the room, Carter turned back to his aides. "That's the one thing I won't stand for--allowing inexperienced people to take part in delicate foreign policy negotiations just because they happen to be related to the president."

"Daddy, daddy," shouted Amy as she ran into the room. "I just finished my report on nuclear weapons in China."

"Good work, Amy. I hope it's as good as the one on the SALT treaty."

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