January

President Bok dramatically intervenes in the contraceptives crisis, taking condoms out of the hands of HSA. "Drop by after supper and we'll talk it over," Bok tells Freshmen. "If I'm not around, they're in my top bureau drawer," in a stirring inaugural address. President Nixon calls for "the middlization of America" and as a first move renames the Supreme Court building the "Burger Palace." Harvard Treasurer George F. Bennett ends the problem of his succession when executors of his will reveal he has bequested his son to the University. But IRS agents grab over half of Bennett Jr. in estate taxes. Professor James Q. Wilson is put on disciplinary probation when it is discovered that the Resolution on Rights and Responsibilities was written by a termpaper company.

February

Congratulating Harvard School of Public Health Dr. Robert P. Gever on his discovery of a totally synthetic blood substitute for rats, President Bok admits that he is not surprised. "I'm totally synthetic myself," Bok adds. In an elaboration of his report on the unimportance of integration in education, Christopher Jencks concludes that in fact all education is unimportant. "People are like sheep," Jencks tells reporters gathered around him on the steps of St. Paul's Church, "God will tell us what we ought to know." While Dean Dunlop grants Zeph Stewart an extension to research further his reportion cohabitation in the Houses. Master Stewart airs preliminary findings that cohabitation has been cut in half in those rooms of Lowell House women where peepholes were installed. "I think it's a wonderful innovation," Stewart explains. Now these girls can choose their partners."

March

Supreme Court Justice William Q. Douglas travels to Cambridge to read members of the Signet Society passages from his new book about a mild mannered Maine river that is forced to use guns to defend its constitutional rights. In a lively introduction, the Society's First Woman President Ernestina Rathborne reminds the Associate Justice that the Signet is "neither a male chauvinist organization not an exclusive final club, neither a ham sandwich nor a lampshade, but rather Harvard's literary eating society." After the dinner Douglas and Rathborne elope to help a lonely Alaskan mountain defend its freedom of speech, Harvard Treasurer George F. Bennett Jr. urges the University to divest itself of its state and municipal bonds. "These bonds yield 4 1/2 per cent and 5 per cent respectively," Bennett explains. "That's an obvious conflict of interests." President Nixon announces that he is giving up the Paris Peace Talks for Lent.

April

Synthetics specialist Dr. Robert P. Geyer tells alumni gathered in New York. "If Derek Bok did not exist, we could easily make him." Bowing to Senate pressure that he appoint a Grade A Supreme Court Justice to represent America's 22.3 million Grade A citizens, President Nixon nominates Professor Paul A. Freund to fill Douglas's seat. "Not only will my decisions be liberal," Freund assures Court scholars, "they will be easy." With peace negotiations in their summer recess, Bunnies at the Paris Playboy Club take time out to vote Dr. Henry A. Kissinger '50 the "Piecemaker of the Year." In its first report, the Advisory Committee on Shareholder Responsibility (ACSR) calls the CRR "a bad investment" and demands that the University divest itself of all Glen Bowerstock.

May

President Bok appoints Claude Levi-Straus to be the New University Architect. "We need a good Structuralist around here", Bok explains. "Now that we've built Gund Hall, maybe Dr. Levi can tell us what it's for." In an uncharacteristic display of independence, the Senate erupts in a barrage of catcalls and Bronx cheers until Spiro Agnew and a phalanx of Sergeant-at-Arms convince Congressional spitoons to turn on their former masters Frank Fisher, director of the Office of Career Services and Off-Campus Learning releases a report entitled What the Harvard and Radcliffe Class of 1973 Wants to Do When It Grows Up. The new study shows that 96 per cent of the class eventually plan to go to graduate school, 98 per cent intend to be President of the United States "or First Lady," and 99 per cent expect to be "rich and famous." On a more sombre note, the report concludes that the remainder have already resigned themselves to Harvard professorships.

June

Explaining his new discovery at a symposium on artificial life, Dr. Robert P. Geyer describes the synthetic rats blood as a "milky solution of highly inert flurocarbons and industrial emulsifiers--in fact, not unlike Derek Bok." In a protracted game of double or nothing with Kingman Brewster at the New York Yale Club, Harvard Treasurer George F. Bennett Jr. loses the University's endowment. Posing as a tub resting on its own betters, Bennett is choose to be a contestant on Monty Hall's Let's Make a Deal, where he swaps the Harvard Classes of 77-80 for what's behind certains two and three--the Departments of Justice and Labor. "I am neither a male chauvinist organization nor an exclusive final club," former Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas tells a stunned commencement audience, "nor is Paul Freund." Honorary degrees go to miler Jim Ryus (". . .a credit to his race. . .") and City Councilman Alfred E. Velluci (". . . while a less hearty warrier could not have pursued his attempts to turn the Yard into a parking lot and the Lampoon into public favatories, he has persevered until his visions were a reality. . .").

July

President Nixon tells the Mt. Kisco, New York International War Crimes Tribunal that while he did order bombs dropped on North Vietnam, he "didn't know they were loaded." "I am a Quaker by religion," the President explains. Across the country. Americans mob bookstores to buy a gruesome book documenting loss of limbs in Southeast Asia entitled. A Farewell to Arms. The first number of True Romance Languages, an intradepartmental magazine, stirs up mid-summer passions at the Faculty Club. Doris Kearns fictionalizes her biography of Lady Bird Johnson The Early Years and retitles it Tell me that you Love Mr. Dwight Le Merton Bolinger, AB, AM, PhD.

August