...Gossip Guy’s been irresponsible lately. His lies have been sloppy and poorly reasoned, he hasn’t filed a plan of rumors and his innuendo, even with extensions, is three weeks overdue...
...It was a drunken, turquoise-shirted meltdown for new Crimson Key elect and first-time drinker Amir C. Daharphuni ’04. “I am TRASHED!” he exclaimed as he attempted to open the front door to Lowell by sticking his pinky finger in the card swipe slot post-initiation. “Do you like my TIE?” he yelled to the card swipe machine. “It’s turquoise too! HA!” He then yakked on the card swipe machine, rendering it useless and yak-encrusted...
...A certain Harvard freshman has been gettin’ it on with a member of the Boston Celtics. It seems he likes his sex the same way he likes to play basketball: One-on-one, with underage chicks...
..“I’ll do any drug once,” said Hist & Lit tutor Evan F. Bennett ’98 to Gary A. Mohammed ’03 during a highly uncomfortable one-on-one tutorial last Wednesday intended to discuss Mohammed’s junior paper, “but I won’t touch crack. Because once you do crack, you’re a crackhead.” After a 4/20 celebration that went bizarrely awry on Saturday, Bennett is now a crackhead...
...Promising two nubile pre-frosh he would “show them a good time” Saturday night, Harold G. Penninger ’02 instead got staggeringly high and left the pair in a dark, sweaty hellhole. The girls escaped the Owl basement shaken, unhurt and planning to attend Yale...
...Felix P. Johnson ’03 dipped a chocolate-chip cookie into his screwdriver last night. “It’ll taste really good,” he mumbled to horrified onlookers at Sandrine’s. Subsequent chemical analysis of Johnson’s vomit cannot determine if the cookie, the alcohol or the consumption of both together was most responsible for his subsequent bistro-soiling regurgitation...
...Robert O. Higuera ’05 planned to take exquisite revenge on Heidi C. Brown ’05 (who laughed uproariously when he asked her if she would be attending a party he was throwing) by breaking into her room Saturday night and surreptitiously urinating in her VCR. Higuera ended up spending the next three days in jail after Brown found him naked in her common room at 6 a.m. tied to a radiator with his own pants...
...John G. Patch ’03 got pretty hammered last weekend. Heading to sleep, he was able to take out his contacts, put his wallet on his bedside stand and successfully fold his pants over the chair by his desk. For some reason, however, Patch woke up the next morning under his bed wearing a Batman costume he’d never seen before...
...Michael T. Hogan ’03 set off the fire alarm in the Mather high rise last weekend while making a grilled cheese sandwich. He left the sandwich cooking in his sandwich grill while he looked at Internet porn. After realizing that the loud noise, flashing lights and heavy smoke probably meant that he set off the fire alarm, Hogan“got the fuck out of there.” He was last seen demanding that firefighters retrieve his sandwich...
...CORRECTION: Last week, Gossip Guy called Hallie F. Matthews ’02 “a filthy and untrustworthy harpy whose personality defects are only matched by her pungent odor.” Ms. Matthews is actually a member of the Class of 2003...
